Exhaling

Oh God!

Untitled

label it call it what it is so we can go on and stop pretending we still are and so we can stop pretending we later can be lets announce it give it a term so deny can have a curtain call and leave the stage of our meeting, call it what it is so we do not think it is what it isn't call it jaded call it familiarity call it what you want yet what you call it must meet us both at a place where decisions are made are paths are chosen set me free to go and i will do the same let it be what it is and not what we want it to be or what will convinience us but whatevere you call it i do not want to hear the sound entering my ears of this thing they call love because between us we are incapable of it really seriously we love at levels of comfortability and convinience we love at a level where emotions rule and once the high flees gone is the bird that occupied the nest

don't stare at me like that don't give me that face, if i look in the mirror you would catch a glimpse of yourself aswell don't act different from my condition and set yourself apart from me we are cut from the same cloth we are so alike if i had to lick you i wud taste myself

love please call it what you want but love do not travell there
emotion is what we know
infactuation is the familiar
love on convinient terms yes

lol...is it even love or is that a definition given to us to define...never mind. Call it what it is but not that.

infused by the strain to act i lie in absolute wonder of what is to come
having that said what is to come is up to me to decide
decision...the absolute looseness of that
where does fate step in where does serendipity play a hand where does destiny intervene
yes decide to get up of bed but do i decide to go to a setting where a chance opportunity occurs and meet an indivisual to change the course of my life in a direction i want it to go... yes decide to drive to a meeting yet, decide? aswell to have a punctured tyre and miss an interview to which you absolutely have your hopes set on

Missed opportunities ,wasted times, unmet dreams, lives of vanity, followed dreams of no "success", feared paths, wrong final acts, missed planes... caught planes, must the end be...
"I am so rich yet i have nothing"
"I am so poor i wish i could be rich then i will have happiness"

Thats all we know

Decide? Really.....i wonder. Other hands are at play here.

Result of Emotion

Speak to me- say something, anything the careless whisper from your…(write it) caring heart will do
the silence is killing me, I am ebbing away its detrimental to me and my health the loud noise of your silence is squashing my hearts breath. How can I survive the cold moment of your unmoving lips but screaming eyes, its unbearable. The heart that once trusted me and was loyal to me is now in season of winter I can see it in the movement of your body in the cold temperature of your eyes the hand that once held mine so tightly is trembling cold with winters cold wind.

I couldn't prevent it, I couldn't pass it without it having pass me, it was un-controllable it was undefeatable I was under its… (write it) spell. It was too much for me to bear yet I also think "There is always a moment when I could have said "No", yet that moment for me… (Pause)
If tears could undo and take back what happened I would… cry you a river (Resume)

Was cut out it was edited I know it makes no sense yet the writer of the event that happened
Wrote it that way and I couldn't see it coming yet it came


Speak say something why are you being so cruel with your lack of words so indifferent to my
groan for your fresh breath of dialogue. I could never be at my end with you, You make the
hours seem like a fresh Saturday evening. Run this course with me stay with me till winter
passes so we can enjoy the summer together again

Cry; so at least I know your heart hasn't turned into stone towards me, let a cry of anger erupt
from your pierced heart I need to know you still feel towards me and that you are not numbed
at the sight of me


I am sorry for what I've done. I petition you for an "I forgive you" since the cloud of your new tone towards me that being of silence has not passed I will wait for your response from your heart To mine... I am sorry.

Irreversable

I looked back
looked forward
brought back, searched memory resoivour
caught my heart in my concious mind and...
told myself "don't be scared"

shaking heart in relentless caution
cold hands of fear and unknown future events of consequence

irreversable fumbles
irreversable words
irreversable acts
irreversable conversations in 1 account

Oh God... "i don't know who else to call"

Darkness I brought it close
made acquitance with unstability
n now... i fear.
n now...i have no answer to solve the hand made mess
but..... yet...... oh?, I don't know.


Jesus (long silence) .....H-e-l-p? please help.

Walks in setting sun

t

the streets

the echoe silence of a noise engaged in distant locations where eye is devoided of sight

make your heart jump

the absolute forsaken steps to an unknown path the walk to an unknown route no matter how familiar

the light fading n you are still on the streets

then all is alarmed and you realise that darkness brings out darkness within

and those who act on it make the streets a forsaken place to be in

walking home from home

n the streets and paths were my companion

nature beautiful in the light of day yet when setted sun hides the visible the walk no more is what you left home to experience

i see yet what i witness is but a glimpse of what the streets hold for those who choose to camp there.

A camping experience my insides would not accept n my outsides would repell so before sun sets i take my foot in familiar n known...the place they left to return to...

HOME.

Best Friend entanglement.

the laughter of your heart causes me to sing i have never been carresed by such a character as yours.
the echoe of your voice leaves me speechless i don't know what to say you move and amaze me
the fraility of your life makes me appreciaten you everyday it makes me want to keep you in my sight always and ever
the glare of your stare makes me want to do more, there is none such reaction amongst humans that i have when you glare at me
the vulnerability of your composure of who you are makes me want to protect you from the world
the stillness of you sleeping makes me want to tell you everyday how much i am infactuated with you
the wholeness of your being is so complete it makes me wonder how can anyone say no to you

But why cant i say that to you why i am i so afraid to tell you and let you know what i think and feel is it because my masculinity would be hurt if you say No or is it because i am scared for our friendship.
I could never tell you that i could never utter the careless whispers of how much i value you and how much i would like you to be mine

Yet there is a confusion in my soul a linger in my being how can you know how can you understand that i like you but am not attracted to you that i appreciate your physique but it doesn't do or effect me the way it would a heterosexual man what i am trying to say is i am confused yet i do notknow what to make of my affectiond for you

a sranger met at hello
an invite given out with willed intentional and knowlegdge response of R.S.V.P "YES"
no awkwardness here in this place callous shyness resides
you know which not and which to
Hesitation gone emotions are at rule now

There is a moment always a moment when...

fabricated casual- hide- nice to meet you dialogue
with flawed intentions

i looked we met i talked we convesed... "planned out" had a meeting
and did

the ultimate in anonymous alliances...

Contempation thats the time before the act
thats where lies the happenings of the next moment
the judgement, before the 'did'

its Done. ? Vacant? Regret! n oh yah.? Incompleteness (is that felt or am i supposing myself)
Act enjoyed? it would not have been done if not.

n for the partner of whom the alliance was joined with
"hope we never meet again"

Callous unseemly or just Wild
either way its done n one way or another the did will be regretted
this my soul knows very well.

Bedazzled left in wonder I came to a conclusion that laughter and letting go are the release of what makes an effort to tear and take away, the sudden realisation that my life is a container of what I choose to pour in it makes me the one who either accepts or rejects what my heart takes in I have done..............................................................................................................................................

The part of separating that which pollutes and that which contaminates ,and the thought of being angry and bitter leaves me no choice but to let go and let live in farness the sight of what I have tried of walk away from. I am not addicted and have not been for a while I do not crave it doesn’t even enter my mind. The freedom of the unknown mixed with the fear is what life is about and I hope you don’t mind me saying this but I will have a fabulous life and it will include pain dissapointment anger jealousy and the things that try to cripple but you know what I have been taught how to live and let live by the expiriences not only in my life but in the life of those who are around and about me….Laugh my life is going to be fabulous yes it will

He left, solitude just got a new picture in my mind
He left,alone in a bed to which we closely would have shared...left me lying here
He,left,the close kiss and embrace we give each other the night before has been pulled away, i have been vandalised by detachment
He left, how could the closeness we shared come to a haulting end
He left, leaving a note at the place of my contemplation

Struggle yes, Arguement yes, Shut downs yes, Misunderstandings yes, Insecurity yes,
Moments of extreme emotional dissession yes
But leaving He left and without a word
Without a verbal goodbye but a note
which is better than a mysterious dissappearance
He left

Anger
Confusion
Torn
Disorientation

this moment this hour this minute the current second
I have had ends had loss had miscarriages dissapointments
yet nothing really prepares you to get used to it
nothing gets you used to it